Diablo 2: Survivor
by Binkari
Summary: *insert evil laugh here*
1. Default Chapter

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Diablo 2 and Diablo 2: Lord of Destruction is NOT mine. They all belong to Blizzard. Survivor isn't mine either..  
This writing is not recommended for the weak of heart, stomach, or for the incredibly horny, or easily offended. That said, read away!  
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The screen remains black for a second after the opening scene of the game. The words, "Diablo 2: Survivor" flash across the screen and a huge grin is seen. The camera zooms out, revealing scaly red skin, sinister horns, and malicious eyes. "Greeeeeeeeeeeeeeeetings! The figure says as the name, "Big D" pops up on the lower right corner. "I'm your host, Diablo! Today on Survivor, we'll introduce our contestants who will be put on the island closest to Hell and see how they do!"  
  
The demon looks to the side and spots a delapitated ship. "Looks like they're here!"  
  
He watches in glee as the contestants jump off the ship and into the chilling waters swimming with hungry barracudas. Diablo jumps back and forth, clapping happily as the survivors swim their butts over to shore, leaving their supplies behind. "Welcome, survivors!" he roared as the last of them pulled onto shore, "And now..a commercial break!"  
  
The screen blacks out once more and a few commercials about beer and cell phones whiz by. Diablo's evil face is once against dominating the TV, as he picks a hero flesh between his teeth. A small whisper from behind is heard, "You're on..."  
  
"What?! Oh..OH!" the Lord of Terror steps back and moves to the side as the 10 survivors sit on shore.   
  
And old, scraggly man talks with another one, just as scraggly. One has white hair, the other, ebony skin and locks. Both discuss unknown things as a woman jumps out from the bushes, carrying a palm branch as a staff. Focusing on the mane with the silver hair, "Necromancer" appears on the screen. "Sorcerer" shows up for the younger but just as frail-looking man. The young woman swings the make shfit staff around, accidentally smacking the camera as the screen once again goes blank, but the letters, "Sorceress" appear in white. The camera regains stables itself and zooms in on a burly-looking man sprawled across the sand, water still dripping from his beard. The name "Warrior" zips past the top as the camera moves across to a blonde lying on her stomach in the sand. Slowly, the lens zooms in on her buttocks, which are clearly exposed to the sun. Suddenly, the camera wobbles as the cameraman is hit with a large branch, "Idiot, I'm up here!"  
  
Slowly and seemingly reluctantly, the view is switched to a smiling face and the word "Amazon" fades into view and fades out as the camera moves to a long dark-haired woman, basking in the sun. She turns and waves slowly and looks back over the waves. "Rogue" zips past and a large muscular, but nearly bald man is seen resting against a tree. Yellow letters spell out "Barbarian" and then fade away once again. A black man is seen, armed heavily with a huge cross on his breast plate. He says something, looks up at the sun, then kneels down to pray. A name, "Paladin" moves across the center. Once more, the view switches to a medium-sized woman dressed in black. The wind blows through her short hair and "Assasin" pops up in the upper left corner in black. The camera goes over to a tall, lanky man with reddish hair, dressed in furs. Mumbling is heard in the background, "How can he wear that...?" The word "Druid" comes into view. Finally, the view settles back on Diablo, who is obviously indulging himself on the women contestants. "Big D..."  
  
"Huh, oh! Uh...our contestants first task is to build a shelter!" the red demon exclaimed, his attention drifting back to the females.  
  
"Hey, don't we have teams or something?" the warrior asked.  
  
Diablo blinked and then thought for a moment, "Well, no. You see, there weren't enough people to make a full Survivor team. So we just put y'all together. Now sit down, Warrior."  
  
"I have a name you know it's Reg--" the warrior is cut off by Diablo's booming voice.  
  
"WE DON'T CARE ABOUT YOUR NAME. NOW SIT DOWN."  
  
"Ok ok, yeesh," the warrior hissed as he sat down on the sand once again.  
  
Straightening himself up once more, Diablo let out a hearty laugh and yelled, "All right survivors, you may now go and retrieve your things and build your shelters! GO!"  
  
The survivors looked into the water...then back at Diablo for a moment. The barbarian was first to attempt wrestling his things away from the barracuda-infested waters. Following him were the rest of the contestants. While the mortals were having a makeshift WWF match, Diablo was on shore, laughing his horned head off.   
  
Finally, battered and beaten, the survivors washed onto shore, clinging onto their possessions they managed to wrestle away from the monsters in the sea. "No time to lose, mortals, get those shelters built!"  
  
Letting out a small groan of distress the survivors went off to build a shelter for the night's rest. Once again, Diablo's toothy grin fills the screen, "Join us next time on: Diablo 2: Survivor! G'night everybody!"  
  
With that, theme music plays (Harrogoth background music to be precise), Diablo waves his hand, hitting the camera on accident. The view shakes a bit, the music goes off and on a bit, and static slowly fills the screen. Obscenities are said and screaming is heard as bodies burst into flames. The minature light show ends in black.  
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Luxury Items  
  
Amazon.............Size D Bra (they didn't come any bigger!)  
Assasin............A Book of Shadows (literally speaking..)  
Barbarian..........A spare loin cloth (He soon found that it wouldn't be considered a luxury item, but just regular laundry)  
Druid..............Megaphone (to summon up all those pets)  
Paladin............A cross  
Rogue..............A bow (the weapon)  
Necromancer........A stick (he claims it's a yew wand)  
Sorcer.............A big stick  
Sorceress..........A bigger stick (she claims it's a magical staff)  
Warrior............His sanity  
  



	2. Tristram's Little Problem

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Diablo 2 and Diablo 2: Lord of Destruction is NOT mine. They all belong to Blizzard. Survivor isn't mine either...A great big THANK YOU to Gravie, whose idea I used in one point of the story!  
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Chapter 2: Tristram's Little Problem  
  
The Harrogoth theme plays, building a crescendo. Red letters come into view to create the word: Diablo 2: Survivor. A quick intro is played with the music booming in the background as the quick moving camerawork stops abruptly at Diablo's face. Not quite quick enough as the lens hits the demon in the face and all that is seen is red, scaly flesh. Cussing is heard in bleeps and mumbles. Backing up, Diablo rubs his cheek and grumbles. "That's it, MAKE UP!" with that, he stomps off, the whole island seeming to shake.  
  
Suddenly; deep, hollow breathing is heard as something that resembles a human spine floats by, fogging up the camera. Zooming up to the face at the top, then zooming out seeing that it's not a very pleasant face, the cameraman focuses the view. The ghastly face that occupies the screen is none other than Mephisto. A voice is heard in the background, "Hey, I thought I got rid of you!"  
  
Hissing, Mephisto turns back around and grins. "Since my baby brothe--"  
  
"I'm not a baby! WAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!! OW! Watch where you put the foundation!" Diablo is heard screaming and whining.  
  
"...Whatever," the Lord of Hatred grumbles, shaking his horned head.  
  
Out of the blue, a brunette runs in with lawsuit papers. It could be none other than..Squall Leonhart (Author: What the? How'd he get in here?!). "Excuse me, sir," he says, handing the papers to Mephisto, "but I was just watching from a palm tree and noticed that you used '...whatever' which just HAPPENS to be my line..."  
  
Rolling his eyes, Mephisto waves a bony hand and Squall is dragged away, kicking and screaming, "YOU'LL HEAR FROM MY LAWYERS!!"  
  
Turning back to the camera, Mephisto grins (or tries to...) and continues, "Since my brother is--"  
  
Again, we are interrupted as Diablo knocked Mephisto out and the two engage in a hissy-fit. Diablo wins and kicks Mephisto out of view. "Ahem...terribly sorry about that. Today, our survivors will be entering their first award AND immunity challenge. Let's see how they're doing!"  
  
All ten survivors sleep peacefully in their delapitated "shelter." 20 feet stick out from under the roof of palm leaves. One foot twitches while the other kicks the one to its side. A grunt is heard and a head pops up from the leaves, punching a hole through the roof. The rest of the disgruntled party groans as the confused Barbarian looks around.   
  
A few minutes later, the survivors go out to gather food and other necessities. The Barbarian punches a tree mindlessly. The paladin passes by and asks, somewhat dumbfounded, "What the hell are you doing to that tree?"  
  
"I'm--ugh--trying to--ungh--get some--arg--coconuts," the Barbarian replied through grunts and heavy punches.  
  
Shaking his head, the paladin said a quick prayer for the tree and skipped off. Meanwhile, the ladies of the group fish and try to build a fire. "If only I had some arrows! And if I put skill points into fire arrow, this would be so much easier!" the Amazon whined as the Assasin rubbed a stick helplessly in a pile of kindling.  
  
Looking over her shoulder, the Sorceress grins as she fishes. Using her staff as a makeshift fishing pole, she slipped in the water and fell backwards as the Rogue about ten feet away from her laughs hysterically. Finally, the Sorceress pops up and holds up a fish triumphantly. Scampering over to the fruitless pair, trying so hard to create a fire, the young magic-wielder holds out the fish in a shining victory. The Amazon screams in happiness and smokes spews from the kindling, but her happiness is short-lived as the water from the fish drips onto the pile of wood, extinguishing any sign of heat there was before. Groaning in frustration, the Assasin slaps her forehead while the Amazon glares menacingly at the klutz. Smiling innocently, the Sorceress casts a quick firebolt, setting the whole pile of wood ablaze, including the Assasin's foot. Screeching like a banshee, the usually calm warrior dashes off to put out the flame. "ARGGGGGGG!!" the Amazon moans as she sees how easily it would have been to create a fire with magic. With that, she stomps off to help the Barbarian punch down coconuts.  
  
It wasn't long before it was sundown (with the help of studio editing...). Diablo sits in a lawn chair which appears to be barely holding his weight. With the flick of his tail, he sets down his lemonade and turns around to face the camera. Grinning a toothy grin, the Lord of Terror looks over to the team sitting around a campfire. "It's time for your award challenge, folks!" he hollers, laughing maliciously afterwards.  
  
Complaints and rather rude profanities are heard, barely audible. Once more, Diablo repeats the message. In return for the repetition, a coconut flies at him and hits the monster smack dab in the middle of the forehead. Rubbing his forehead, Diablo turns to the camera and forces a smile. "Fiesty, aren't they?" he snickers.  
  
After a few moments of violent antics and indecent exposure from the local Barbarian, the team is assmebled in a "line." "Now, your first challenge is for an immunity since I figured that it would take to long to do an award challenge! Here's the plan:  
  
"You will race into our little replica of Tristram over there. Now, the original Diablo characters will be of much help, since they're the only ones who can decipher so poor graphics! Plus, as a rule, you can only WALK. No running!   
  
"Your objective is to find King Leoric, kill him, take his crown and run back up without losing a single member. We have put tracking devices on you to check your progress and watch as your health drops to dangerously low levels! On your mark..GO!"  
  
"Wait," the Warrior interrupted, "Aren't we supposed to be running against a team?"  
  
Rolling his eyes, Diablo shook his head, "It's always that one little pest...he'll be the first to go."  
  
"Huh?"  
  
"...Nothing! There are plenty of baddies to stop you! Hell, bring in the champions!" Diablo called to the people on the sides.  
  
"The..champions?" the Sorcer squeaked.  
  
"GO!" Diablo screeched as he pulled a rope from nowhere and a band of champion goatmen chase after the survivors.  
  
Nodding and running off obediantly, the group rushes into the little cardboard town, knocking over the cutouts of Cain, Griswold, and Pepin. The Druid stops abruptly at the cardboard version of Wirt and tugs at the leg. The Necromancer flips around and asks what he's doing and the Druid replies, "Well, you see, I thought if we pulled off his leg, we'd be showered in gold coins and such."  
  
"AUGH! That was AFTER this event, come on!"  
  
"Sorry..." with that, the Druid rushed after the team, the frail old man lagging behind.   
  
The warrior, rogue, and sorcer stopped at the entrance of the monastary and motioned everyone in. The paladin stopped at the stairway to kneel and down pray, but he was kicked in by the impatient amazon and the rest of the party filed in quickly. Stumbling and tripping down the stairs as the sound of hooves clattered behind them, baa-ing is heard every once in awhile as the goatmen catch up with the crew.   
  
Arriving at the entrance of the tomb, the party is greeted with a horder of skeletons, one of them being the King. The Paladin was the first the rush into the fray, singing loudly, "Mine eyes have seen the coming of the Lord! He is trampling out the vineyard where the grapes of wrath are stored!"  
  
He scittered back to the group with a fat lip and a black eye. "...And don't touch my crown again!" King Leoric yelled.  
  
Rolling their eyes, the rest of the survivors charged the pack. The sorceress cast her firewalls, not only destroying all the monsters, but also lagging everyone terribly as they all ran around in a 2 frames per second style. The Sorcer cast a flame wave and the Sorceress stood aghast, "How'd you do that?"  
  
"With much pleasure and mana," the Sorcerer said with a smile.  
  
Snatching the crown, the team ran back up to the top of Tristram only to run into the group of Champion goatmen. Brandishing her javelin, the Amazon's threat did little in the confrontation. Whipping out his trusty Bible, the Paladin began to recite verses on how violence was not the solution to anything. He received another black eye and a bruised shin.  
  
Dragging the badly beaten wannabe priest away, the Druid, Necromancer, and Assasin were left to take care of the horde. The Druid conjured up a few animals as the Assasin clawed the monsters to death. The Necromancer just back and watched. Looking over his shoulder, the Druid asked, "What the? You're supposed to be helping us!"  
  
"Oh...uh...I...uh..." with that, the old man runs off.  
  
Back at the meeting place, the Amazon presents the crown to Diablo, who gleefully places it on his head. "Now I'll see you all at Tribal Council."  
  
"WHAT?!" all the members screamed.   
  
"Mhmm, you didn't bring back Wirt's leg," the Druid slapped his forehead and glared at the Necromancer who just shrugged innocently.  
  
"But you never told us to!" the warrior complained.  
  
"Oh yes I did, in a very very soft whisper," Diablo snickered insanely.  
  
"Butbutbutbutbutbut..."  
  
"No 'buts.' I'll see you at the top of the mountain!" the red demon hopped into his little golf cart and zoomed off as the cart sputtered and struggled under its heavy load.  
  
After an elapsed 2 hour hike, the survivors appear at the summit. "Y'all know the rules: VOTE," Diablo commands as he kicked the Paladin into the booth.   
  
Holding his paper up to the camera, the Paladin says, "I voted for the Necromancer, for I believe he is evil. Plus he used the Song of Songs as toilet paper!"  
  
One by one, the survivors voted. Diablo took out the little tiki trash can and read the votes one by one. Noticing the Amazon's vote, he asked, "Uh..why did you vote for yourself?"  
  
Blinking awake, the Amazon replied, "I thought the person with the most votes gets a prize!" She looked around, "Where's my prize?!"  
  
"Uhm...ok. Well, the tallies are in! One vote for the Amazon, Two votes for the Barbarian, and...SEVEN for the Necromancer."  
  
The Necromancer's eyes widened, "WHAT?!"  
  
"Nooooo!! I didn't win!" the Amazon wailed.  
  
"Well, I guess that means the old man goes. You ARE the weakest link, g'bye!" Diablo chuckled, "I've always wanted to say that!"  
  
"You can't get rid of me! I'll be back! You'll see! I CAN REANIMATE CORPSES TO HAUNT YOU ALL!!" The Necromancer screamed as he was tied down to the golfcart and driven off.   
  
Diablo waves goodbye and good riddance to him as he turns around back to the camera, "That's all folks!"   
  
The theme music plays as credits are shown and previews for a few low-budget movies are played.  
  
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Votes  
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Amazon: Amazon  
  
Assasin: Barbarian  
  
Barbarian: Nekrowmanser  
  
Druid: Necromancer   
  
Paladin: Necromancer  
  
Necromancer: Barbarian  
  
Rogue: Necromancer  
  
Sorcer: Necromancer  
  
Sorceress: Necromancer  
  
Warrior: Necromancer 


	3. Your Shampoo...Siiiir

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Diablo, Diablo 2 and Diablo 2: Lord of Destruction is NOT mine. They all belong to Blizzard. Survivor isn't mine either...sanity in a box is mine though. This chapter is a bit long-winded, hang in there.  
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The sun rises on the lonely beach, the beams of light glittering off the water as the theme music booms in the background. The camera wanders idly around the scenary, but not for long as loud snoring is heard. Homing in on the sound, you see Diablo sprawled out on his little beach towel. His spiked tail flicks idly from side to side as the camera man zooms in to take a closer look. Drool rolls down Diablo's cheek and he scratches his hip with a talon. Tripping over a rock, the camera man falls next to Diablo, the heavy machinery landing on the demon's face. Snorting awake, Diablo grumbles, looking into the lense of the camera, half awake, "Due to power glitches, the light at the end of the tunnel will be turned off."  
  
The screen blacks out and once more commercials take over.   
  
"Are you tired of being stalked by nice men in white coats? Do you tend to babble about things that don't make sense?? Have you found yourself trying to cut your hair with a spoon??! If you answered 'yes' to any of these questions, then we have the product for YOU!  
  
"That's right, for the low low price of $999,999 and ninety-nine cents, you, too, can be sane! Introducting the latest from Binki Biological Labs...Sanity in a box! It's true, all the sanity you need in this box! Call now and we'll take off a whole 2 cents from that already great low price of $999,999 and ninety-nine cents.  
  
"So don't live life like a wacko, get sanity in a box today! Sanity in a box is not for everyone. Contact your doctor to see if this product is right for you. People with heart problems should not take sanity in a box. In common cases, sanity in a box causes various side effects, the majority being neasua, headache, personality shifts, and insanity. Call 1-900-4-SANITY."  
  
Diablo is seen dialing a number and talking into the phone, "Hello? Yes, I want to order Sanity in a box? Uh huh...ok...oh #%$@ I'm on! I'll call you later, baby cakes."  
  
With that, he hangs up and grins sheepishly. "Well, let's see how our survivors are doing with the loss of one of their members!"  
  
The Assasin and Druid skip around happily, cheering, "He's gone! He's really really gone!!"  
  
The Amazon sulks around and looks into the camera, "It's not fair! The Necro got more votes than me! I wanted to win!'  
  
Diablo whispers something into her ear and her eyes widen, "Now I REALLY wanted to win!"  
  
Chuckling, Diablo takes out a sledge hammer when the Amazon's back is turned, "That can be arrang--WHAT IS IT, JEEVES?!"  
  
"The award challenge...sir," the timid camera man asked.  
  
"But...oh fine. Survivors! Get your butts over here!"  
  
The warrior yawned, "It's only 10 A.M."  
  
"Neh, it's only 10 A.M.," Diablo imitated then screamed, "SHADDUP! You're doing your award challenge right now, understood?"  
  
Groaning was the only response from the party.  
  
"Glad you're so enthusiastic. Now, here's the plan:  
  
"We have placed your award at the bottom of a deep deep pool. Inside that pool, there are many many water beasts. AROUND the pool are your favorite Act 3 enemies: the fetishes along with their shamans! Anyways, you have to hack your way through and get the award at the bottom of the chest! Won't that be fun?"  
  
Everyone shook their heads but soon start nodding and smiling as Diablo glared at them. Slapping little green tags on their heads, Diablo explained that those were their health bars. Snickering, he lowers the warrior's down to half. "Survivors, GO!"  
  
The group of nine dash off into the woods, picking up a trail of little knife-wielding fetishes behind them. The 6 Diablo 2 characters turn around and see the original three strolling along, smacking the little evil children away every so often. Tripping over something, the Rogue falls over, knocking the lid off of something. "So THAT'S where the watering hole was!" The barbarian exclaimed.  
  
"Huh? Then where did you get that water I drank this morning?" the sorceress questioned.   
  
"Oh uh.." The massive man leans in and tells her.  
  
"AAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!"  
  
"MOVE!" the Druid roared at the two as the sorceress desperately tried to wash something out of her mouth.   
  
The trail of little evil people grew with each passing moment. The squeaking of the little people is heard closing in. Turning around, the Sorceress throws up a whole punch of flame walls, much to the party's disappointment as they once again run in slow-mo. After an agonizing 30 seconds, the group arrive at a deep, stinky, water beast infested marsh. One of the worm-like things rears its ugly head and snorts out a poisonous snotball at one of the members. The Barbarian is hit and tumbles over, convulsing and going, "Nyahabadanyaaaa..."  
  
Plucking numerous arrows at them, the Amazon manages to take down at least 3. Finally, the party decides who would go in to retrieve the prize. All eyes turn to the Druid who backs away, trying to talk them out of it, "Nonono! My fur absorbs water and other materials! No no no! Hey! Let me go! No! Don't pleas--"  
  
The Druid's sentence is finished abruptly as he is tossed into the marsh, turning into a werewolf and whimpering as he sank into the water. Looking over the bank curiously and impatiently, the Assasin taps her foot in the soggy mud. Finally, a dead-like looking wolf emerges, tossing a heavy chest onto shore. Heaving himself up, the Druid sprawled out on the mud, breath labored. The rest of the party paid no attention to him and found the box locked. "Don't worry! I'll handle this! There's no lock an Assasin can't open!"  
  
The brunette picks the lock and finds it's a Master(r) Lock. "Hmn...well, there's always plan B! HIYA!"  
  
She kicks the lock in, along with the box, back into the marsh. Letting out a loud groan, the Druid shifts back, naked and covered in black 'censored' signs. Diablo looms over them, "Well, well, well! Lookit what we've got here! Yo, Druid, get some pants on."  
  
"Auuugh..." was all the Druid gurgled out, still blue from the lack of air.   
  
"Anyways, here's your prize, a bottle of shampoo. You won't have anytime to wash off, though, since your immunity challenge is happening right here!"  
  
Everyone's mouth dropped. "Thaaaaaat's right! Y'all get to do some skinny-dippin'!"  
  
"Pervert," the Rogue grumbled.   
  
"Darn tooting. Now, the ladies will fashion this bikini and the men can gawk all they want. Your contenders are the corrupted rogues and flesh hunters. You have to model for us and show me that uncorrupted humans are better than the ones I messed up on."  
  
Rolling their eyes, the females of the group walk into the thick trees, each wielding a hanger with some skin-showing attire. The Assasin comes out, holding a hot pink vinyl bikini, "I am NOT wearing this."  
  
"Oh yes you are!" Diablo roared.  
  
The Assasin returned into the trees without any further adieu. After a few agonizing minutes as the males sat uncomfortably, each wondering what the girls were going to look like. The rogue is the first to model, wearing a simple bikini as the setting sunlight dapples her flesh from the canopy. She flashes a smile at the warrior and stands where she is instructed to. The Amazon is the second as she struts out, wearing a black tankini, turning around and modeling like someone from a magazine. She winks at the Barbarian who instantly faints. Finally, she moves to stand next to the Rogue who was smirking. The Sorceress scitters out slowly, her hair matted with mud, but her VERY well-tanned skin showing through and contrasting well with the white swimsuit. The Sorcer howls and tips over at the sight. At last, the Assasin stomps out, not modelling or anything, just standing to the side. "Hmm, humans win! No Tribal council!" Diablo throws the shampoo bottle at the group, which hits the recovering Barbarian into a coma again. The screen blacks out and the Harrogath music blares as scenes from the next episode blazed by. 


End file.
